On pastry, work and playing the piano.

Where do I begin?  As usual, time is rushing past me.  The days may be long, but the weeks seem to pass in the blink of an eye and we’re already more than halfway through Intermediate Patisserie; I didn’t think it was possible, but this term seems to be going even more quickly than the last.  Recent classes have been dedicated to the learning of and first attempts at making our exam cakes.  All I’ll say is that standards and expectations are visibly higher at Intermediate and the grading criteria have become even stricter. Perfection is the operative word and it is extremely difficult to achieve, especially under the watchful and critical eyes of our teaching chefs.

What has frustrated me most lately is the feeling that I’m not improving despite my gradually increasing kitchen experience and knowledge of basic methods and techniques. It’s as if I’ve developed some kind of mental block; the understanding is there, but my brain and my hands don’t seem to be connecting.  The result is that I’ve been producing work that I’m not happy with, work which feels like it lacks refinement and skill.  What’s particularly vexing is that it’s a combination of lots of little things; underwhisking a genoise, baking a sheet sponge for a few minutes too long, piping that’s thick and heavy-handed, uneven spreading, too-thick glazing, inelegant, clumsy presentation.  These are simple errors that I should not be making at this level, or so I feel.

However, one of my chefs helped to put things into perspective during my recent mid-term tutorial.  We spoke about my progress and I told him about my frustration over my personally-perceived lack of development; on discovering that I’d completed a music degree before applying to LCB, he drew a very good analogy between learning patisserie and learning to play the piano.  (It turns out that he’s a musician too, hence the seemingly-unrelated reference.)

Essentially, you can play the piano or you can play the piano.  It’s not to do with lack of knowledge or understanding, but rather with experience, practice and refinement.  The same applies to patisserie; I’m learning the theory and the technical skills, but my lack of finesse is likely down to the fact that I have so little practical experience.  It’s not something that can be perfected overnight, but instead will hopefully come with time, dedication and perseverance, just as it is with learning to play the piano.  (Or any other musical instrument, for that matter…!)

Looking at it that way has definitely helped to alleviate some of my anxiety and I am more determined than ever to keep working hard, keep learning and prove that I can really do this.  The further I get on this course, the more I realise how much I love patisserie and how much it means to me; it’s become my entire life, as cliched as that sounds.  That’s why it’s so important to me to do well and to show my teachers that I have the potential to become a good pastry cook in the not-too-distant future.  (I still need to work on my perfectionist nature though; it’s been proving something of a problem recently and may well be holding me back because I’ve become so self-critical.  I really need to lighten up, but of course, it’s not quite that easy to do!)

On a more positive note though, I’m into the fifth week of my stage and it’s been an amazing experience so far.  I’ve already learned an incredible amount and every day that I spend there, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to work with and be taught by such talented chefs.  I’ve also noticed my confidence growing in the last couple of weeks, an indication that I’m making progress in some form or other.  The positive feedback I’ve had from the head chef recently is another good sign; it makes me feel like I’m earning my place in the kitchen and that I’m good enough to be there.  (It’s also nice to know that other people believe in me; that always seems to make things a little bit better, doesn’t it?)

Chocolate and pecan biscotti – 3/4/13

With life as hectic as it is at the moment, I’ve hardly had a spare moment to bake for fun.  I made these biscotti the week before I started Intermediate Patisserie; crunchy, nutty from pecans and creamy from milk chocolate, they’re perfect with that mid-afternoon cup of tea or coffee.  Just don’t make the mistake that I did of adding slightly too much egg to the mix! (It makes the dough stickier than it should be and subsequently harder to work with.  It also causes it to spread in the oven like cookie dough, making it difficult to retain the proper biscotti shape.  Of course, if you follow the recipe properly, you shouldn’t have any problems!)

Adapted from Paul Hollywood’s recipe on BBC Food.

Starting over…or so it seems.

Last week was one of beginnings.

Monday was the start of the new term at LCB, which means that I’m now officially an Intermediate Patisserie student!  It’s good to be back and I’m looking forward to the next ten weeks and the chance to develop the basic skills and techniques we were taught last term.  Also, it’s great to see everyone again, though it’s still strange to think that we’re no longer the new kids at school!  It doesn’t feel like we’ve been there long enough to qualify as Intermediates, and yet here we are.  Who would have thought it, after just three months? (To scare us even further, we had our exam lecture this week and things are definitely moving a step or five up from Basic.  No pressure…!)

To ease us into the new semester, we started off with a Dobos chocolate slice, a cake that basically consists of alternate layers of sponge and chocolate ganache.  Of course, being LCB, it wasn’t quite as straightforward as that.  No, instead of the traditional round cake, we had to make a triangular version.

Dobos chocolate slice – 9/4/13 (LCB)

(If you’ve never constructed a triangular cake before, it really requires good knife awareness skills for the diagonal slicing!)  We also prepared batches of puff pastry which we later used to make pithiviers filled with almond cream and strawberry mille-feuilles.  It’s not the worst way to start a new term…!

Friday also saw a new beginning as I started my stage in an amazing pastry production kitchen.  (A stage is basically what unpaid work experience is called in the culinary industry; it’s kind of like an internship, I suppose.)

It was a good day, all things considered; I learned how to finish the decorations on several different types of cake, helped the demi chef de partie set up the display counter, assisted with a stock take, filled moulds and chopped a lot of mangoes.  It doesn’t necessarily sound all that thrilling when put like that, but for someone who aspires to work in a professional pastry kitchen, it was eye-opening in the best possible way.  (Not least because the cakes which I finished decorating actually went into the display counter for sale…!  I definitely felt the responsibility of maintaining the standard, let’s put it that way.) Saturday was fairly similar and although I’ve only been there for two days, I’m starting to see the difference between life in the real world of a professional kitchen and the relative bubble of culinary school.  In particular, I’m coming to understand the reality of the industry that I want to go into and it’s proving to be an extremely valuable lesson.

On top of that, I feel incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to work in a place that is of such a high standard, especially considering that this is my first-ever stage (and my first real experience in a professional kitchen).  I know that if I approach it in the right spirit, I’ll be able to learn a vast amount.  By that, I mean that I just need to stop being afraid of making mistakes and remember that I’m there to learn and it’s okay to get things wrong from time to time.

Currently, I think I’m in danger of being held back by my fear of failure and of letting others down.  People keep telling me not to be so hard on myself, but it’s only because I don’t want to annoy anyone by making stupid, rookie mistakes.  At the same time, I also don’t want to give the impression that I need someone to hold my hand and reassure me all the time, because I don’t.  It’s just that I want to do a good job and sometimes I can get too fixated on that, which is counter-productive.  Basically, I need to lighten up and not worry so much.  As with so many things, however, it’s easier said than done…!

In general, however, it’s nice to be busy again; I’m doing what I love and who could ask for more?

(Also, apologies that this blog is fairly low on actual cake/baking content – there will be more in my next post, promise!)

A sense of ennui…

Ennui: (n) A feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

I wish that I was at school.

I want to feel the atmosphere that is particular to its four walls, the atmosphere that fills me with a sense of contentment and belonging.  (It didn’t always feel that way, but I am grateful that it does now.)  I long for the company of my wonderful group, the friends who have made this such a fantastic experience so far.  I miss being in the kitchens and the classrooms and although I’ve had my share of disappointments when things haven’t gone as well I as I’d have liked, it is seldom that I’ve ever been unhappy there.  I also miss the classes, just being there, doing things, learning.  I still consider it a privilege to be taught by such talented chefs, chefs that I respect and admire and who push me to be better every single day.  And in truth, that’s what I miss most right now: the feeling of inspiration that school gives me, the inspiration that comes from being surrounded by so much knowledge and skill.

At the moment, it feels like my life is on hold.  The new term doesn’t begin for another two weeks and already I am struggling to fill my empty days.  The hours drag and the tick of the clock mocks me with its slow march.  I read, watch television, listen to the radio, go for walks, but it isn’t enough.  I need to do something.  I need to get back into the kitchen, I need to bake.  It might sound strange, but I crave the satisfaction of producing a perfect genoise or tray of macarons.  I want to be rolling out pastry for a tarte amandine, whisking egg yolks for a batch of creme patissiere, cooking sugar to make buttercream.  My hands have been idle and unoccupied for too long and I am becoming restless.  Somehow, in the space of just a single term, LCB has taken over my life.  The school has become my world; the classrooms and kitchens are my home while my group has become a second family. Nearly every thought I have relates to food or baking; I have become totally immersed in the world of patisserie and culinary school.  I thought I’d appreciate some time off, the chance to rest and relax for a while, but in reality, I just want to be back where I belong, where I make sense.

Before I started culinary school, I used to say that baking was my passion.  However, it’s only now that I realise what that truly means, now that a day without baking feels wasted and a week outside the kitchen is enough to make me feel aimless and bored.  My love of patisserie has become part of me, as natural as breathing and without it, the days feel endless and lacklustre.  Having said that, maybe it’s no bad thing for an aspiring pastry chef; it affirms that this really is what I want to do.

Baguettes – 27/12/2012

Of course, there is such a thing as too much patisserie, even for a patisserie student!  (It’s rare, but it can happen…)  Sometimes, I just want to make something simple and satisfying and for that, bread is always a good answer.  These are white baguettes, my first attempt at anything other than a basic loaf or rolls.  With a crunchy, crusty exterior and soft, chewy crumb, this is the kind of bread that I love.  Warm from the oven with a spread of salty butter, you can’t beat it.

(Recipe taken from How to Bake by Paul Hollywood.)

Exams and endings.

I am exhausted.

Last week was petits-fours week and my flat is still full of meringue l’amandes, sables Hollandaise and macarons of various flavours; I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many biscuits in my life!  Saying that, I am quite proud of my pistachio macarons.  (I apologise now if that sounds smug or conceited, it isn’t meant to!)  I made them using the Italian meringue method, a technique that I’d never tried before; the chef pronounced them “perfect” in his evaluation, which made me very happy indeed!  To be honest, it made up for my less-than-perfect sables from two days before…

In a total contrast, we had our Basic theory and practical exams this week.

The theory paper was pretty much what I expected and what I’m used to, i.e. the academic side of education.  As for the practical, it’s difficult to say how it went; our group got eclairs which, out of the three possible options, was probably our last preference.  As an incurable perfectionist, I tend to pick out even the tiniest flaws and mistakes in whatever I do, so naturally I feel like there were things that could have been better, regardless of how well or badly the exam actually went.  Of course in reality, there are always things that could be improved upon; I suppose I should just be happy that there were no major disasters and that I actually finished in time!  Saying that though, don’t even get me started on the chocolate piping(!)  Never, until exam day, have I had a problem with paper piping bags.  Trust it to happen on the one occasion that I need things to go right…

On a more positive note, we finally had our group night out!  We went for cocktails and dim sum straight after our practical, the perfect way to relax and wind down after the craziness of exams.  (The restaurant was incredible and may very well be my new favourite place in London, especially with desserts as exquisite as theirs were…)  Sadly though, we also have our final demonstration and practical sessions this week. I know I’ve been saying it for the last ten weeks, but I really can’t believe how quickly the Basic module has passed, especially considering how much I’ve learned and done in that time.  Unbelievably, tomorrow is the last day of term; we have our examination debrief first thing in the morning and our final practical in the afternoon.  It’s going to be a strange day, both celebratory and a little bit sad, the end of a short, but wonderful era.

(Time to change the subject before I get too sentimental, I think…!)

In other news, it’s interesting now to look back on things I’ve made in the past and to see how my baking skills have developed and (hopefully) improved since I started at culinary school.

Mini croquembouche – 25/12/2012

This is the mini croquembouch that I made for Christmas dinner dessert last year; it consists of choux buns filled with orange-infused creme patissiere, all held together with caramel.  Crunchy sugar, soft choux, delicate pastry cream and just a hint of citrus, it made an interesting and welcome change from the traditional festive pudding.  Looking back now, it’s strange to think how unknown some of the elements were to me just a few months ago.  It was the first time I’d ever made pastry cream, something I could probably now do in my sleep.  (I exaggerate, but you get my meaning…)  My choux pastry is also much improved these days, as is my ability to cook sugar…

Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is that studying at LCB is making me appreciate every day how much I’ve gained already (after all, it’s only been two and a half months) while simultaneously reminding me how much more there is to learn about patisserie.  It makes me appreciate the fact that this is a craft, something to be gained over a lifetime; it’s impossible to know everything and the potential for learning is never-ending.

Truthfully, that’s what excites me most, because I am so eager to be taught, to learn as much as I can and to keep improving and honing my skills in the hope that one day, I might just be able to hold my own in a professional pastry kitchen.  The course is opening my eyes to the culinary world in ways I never imagined and I can already see the difference between the amateur baker who started Basic back in January and the LCB student that I am now.  It’s not just the improvement in my technical abilities, but also my organisation, cleanliness, working methods.  Of course, I still have a long, long way to go before I approach anything like professional level, but I’m embracing every change and challenge and I’m determined to make every second of this experience count.

Would you care for some cake?

The last two weeks have been an indulgent study in different types of cake.  Gateau au citron, decorated with candied lemon peel and soaked with syrup so tart it makes your mouth water; petite, scallop-shaped madeleines, delicate and golden; genoise sponge sandwiched with sweet-sharp raspberry jam and smothered in billowing clouds of buttercream; Gateau Foret Noire, rich with chocolate, red fruit and a hint of alcohol; Charlotte au chocolat, light sponge encasing a centre of creamy chocolate bavarois.  This is what has been occupying my mind recently and a lot of fun it’s been too, give or take a couple of disappointments in the kitchen.

That said, there hasn’t been anything major, just madeleines that didn’t quite rise as they should have and a charlotte sponge base which didn’t hold its pattern when piped because the batter wasn’t aerated enough.  Frustrating, but nothing that can’t be ironed out with a little practice.  It’s been an interesting learning curve, teaching me afresh things that I already had some experience of and helping me to improve my working methods. (Also, I now know how to produce a decent genoise sponge, which is something I’ve always wanted to be able to do; the highlight was when our chef told me that I made the best sponge in the class that day.  High praise indeed!)

Genoise au confiture des framboises – 15/2/13 (LCB)

On a less cheerful but increasingly pressing note, I only have three weeks of Basic Patisserie left.  Exams loom large on the horizon and I am trying to fit recipes, methods, coagulation temperatures, French culinary terms and a million other pieces of information into my head when I’m not busy practising my pate brisee, chocolate piping or creme patissiere.  It’s a whole world away from the academic exams I sat at university; making a batch of eclairs counts as revision these days, something I’m still trying to get used to.

For possibly the first time ever, I am not looking forward to the end of term.  It isn’t because of the exams, although that’s a contributing factor.  Rather, it’s because the end of term means the splitting up of my class, the amazing, crazy, wonderful individuals that I spend my school days with.  In just under eight weeks, we’ve become close friends and my LCB experience would not be the same without them (Breakfast Club Wednesdays are a weekly highlight); to know that in just under a month’s time we will be going our separate ways is a sad thought indeed.

However, it’s not over yet and I have no doubt that we’ll make the most of the next three weeks!

On an unrelated note and continuing the catch-up with my home baking, I made brandy snaps for the first time over the holiday period, something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time but never got around to until now.

Brandy snaps – 24/12/12

Crunchy and sweet with a warm flavour from brown sugar and golden syrup, these snaps are buttery and delicious.  They are simple to make yet they feel luxurious, especially when filled with whipped cream.  A step up from the usual type of biscuit, brandy snaps are definitely one to try if you’ve never experienced them before!

On losing track of time and life, lately.

I had my mid-term tutorial on Friday.  That means that we’re already halfway through the Basic Patisserie module.

In some ways, I still can’t believe how quickly the term is progressing.  I’m trying to hold on to each fleeting moment, making the best of this experience even as it passes me by.  The last few weeks have been some of the best and most joyous of my life and although there have been lows along with the highs, that’s a natural part of life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

On orientation day, as a nervous new student, I never imagined that it would be possible for me to turn out the Tarte au Citron I made in week three, let alone make puff pastry from scratch in week four.  (Thinking about how nervous and scared I was in our first practical session, it’s a wonder I made it through the first week at all.  Getting used to a new school and a new kitchen is not as straightforward as it sounds…!)  Our teaching chefs tell us that these things, various types of pastry and custards and meringues and cremes, are just the foundations of patisserie and of course they’re right, but it still amazes me the range of techniques and methods I’ve learned and put into practice in such a short time.  It’s a whole world away from where I was as an amateur baker just five weeks ago.  (Just think, I might never have made puff pastry if I hadn’t come to LCB; now it’s just another recipe/technique that I have to know.)

My tarte au citron – 24/1/2013 (LCB)

In other ways however, it does feel like the middle of the term.  Although the last five weeks have flown, I have learned and done more than I thought possible in that time, to the extent that I don’t understand how it has only been just over a month since I started at LCB.  At the same time, it feels like I’ve been studying there forever, in the best possible way; I’ve fallen into a semi-routine of spending my Wednesdays-Fridays in class, whether in technical lectures, demonstrations or practicals and it’s been nice to be busy again, doing something that I enjoy and that challenges me to be constantly improving.

Naturally, because I am a self-confessed perfectionist, my mid-term tutorial has only served to reinforce this challenge.  While the feedback I got was basically positive – something which is reassuring in itself, as it was the first time we’d actually been given marks and comments on our work so far and I had no idea what to expect beforehand – I don’t want to become complacent, not that there’s much danger of that at the moment.  If anything, the tutorial has spurred me on; I want to continue doing well, improving where I can, working to the best of my ability.  It’s still early days and I have no idea what my potential is.  I only know that I want to push myself and, as cliched as it sounds, be as good as I possibly can.  (Because I love what I’m doing and because it means so much to me, I feel like it would be a disappointment both to myself and to the teaching chefs if I gave anything less than my best.  Thursday’s practical was a prime example; we overran slightly and because we were rushing to finish things off at the end of the class, my work was not as good as it could have been, which frustrated me hugely because I knew that I could do better.  Still, it’s something to learn from, which makes it a valuable experience in its own way, right?)

Anyway, enough about school; on an entirely unrelated note, here’s a birthday cake.

Chocolate and chestnut cake – 11/11/2012

This is the cake that I made for my mum’s birthday back in November.  It’s composed of a vanilla sponge flecked with chocolate shavings and sandwiched with chestnut cream and frosted with chestnut cream and chocolate ganache.  Light cake, sweet and earthy chestnut and milky chocolate combine to create a very interesting cake indeed, not least in part due to the unique texture of chestnut puree.  All in all though, it went down very well and is definitely a recipe to work on in the future!

(Basic sponge cake recipe taken from the book Best-Ever Cake Decorating by Angela Nilsen & Sarah Maxwell.  Chestnut cream made by combining sweetened chestnut puree and chantilly cream.  Basic chocolate ganache made by heating double cream and adding to an equal quantity of chocolate, stirring to melt chocolate and mix, then allowing to cool before using.)

“You need to shout at your pastry…”

It seems like a lot has happened since my last post, although in reality it’s only been eleven days.

What can I say?  Life is good.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am truly, genuinely happy in myself and in what I’m doing with my life.  It marks a significant point for me, considering that just a few weeks ago, I was close to regretting my decisions about attending culinary school and moving to London.  Ultimately though, I’m glad that I did it.  I’m glad that I stuck out the tough first weeks and made it through those early days when all I wanted to do was give up.

Now, I love it.  I’ve made some fantastic friends and the school is great.  I love the technical lectures, the demonstrations, I’m even learning to relax and enjoy the practical classes. Okay, Thursday’s session was a tough one, I’ll admit.  It was Tarte au Citron, which is one of our three potential exam pieces; that’s difficult enough.  On top of that, we started late because the previous class finished late and the chef really pushed us, which was stressful since we hadn’t really been in that kind of situation before.  I did feel under pressure for most of the class, but in hindsight, I think that I built it up in my head to be more difficult than it actually was.  In the end, everyone, including me, finished on time – no mean feat considering we started twenty minutes late! – and produced a decent product, so it wasn’t really so bad.  Plus, I think the chef pushed us because he knew we could do it, which is a nice vote of confidence.

Friday, however, was probably the best day I’ve had in school so far.  We had a really good demonstration (the chef made, among other things, a beautiful Tarte Amandine with frangipane, pears and griottine cherries that was just fantastic) and a fairly relaxed practical; so relaxed that we even managed to finish an hour early!  Everything seemed to fall into place; I felt comfortable in the kitchen, I knew what I was doing and I just felt like things really came together at last.  It was a good confidence booster, which is exactly what I need at this point.  I just hope that I can keep this up as we start learning more complex techniques and recipes.

Eight-plait loaf – 24/10/2012

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of my pictures from LCB up yet, so this will have to do instead!  This is an eight-strand plaited white loaf that I made after watching it as a technical challenge on the 2012 series of The Great British Bake-Off; for a first attempt, I’d say it’s not too bad!  The loaf itself was lovely, with a good crust and soft crumb, perfect with just a little sliver of butter.  I don’t have much experience in bread-making, but this loaf has really fired up my love of bread, so hopefully I’ll be making much more in the future!

(Recipe by Paul Hollywood, from the BBC Food website.)